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Boldly I go .. into uncharted territory, my trust deed in hand .. let my ruler be straight, let my measure be true .. I sally forth into the widerness that once was my back garden .. long gone is the mighty apple apple and the fruiting pair of pear trees..the wilderness abounds no more to the comfort of the black-berry bushes..the birds are silent.

"Hoppity , hoppity hop ..up the little gravel path I go ..wrecking bar and screw-driver in hand. "Hello old trusty 10 panel fence, says I to me-self. It shivered in the wind for a while .. then .. "twang" .. "thud"..it was merciful, it was dead. Prostrate, it lay before me ... no shadow of its former self .. remained on the ground.

" I`ll choose the height of the new panels as you suggested" .. the voice from her at No.10 was crisp and clear in the air. " Go ye ahead" said I, (with much gusto, I had recently been re-gusted by my dearly beloved and I was full of myself).

"Friday, I can come over with Mike on Friday", (That was Paul .. the fence guy). "Done, I`ll put the beer on ice". Friday ... It came and went , the new fence posts, concrete, gravel boards and panels flew into place...perfikkkkkk.

It was the following thursday the final account was rendered, I, thinking t`was time she next door put hand into pocket..."£440.00 pounds" said I.. for posts concrete, disposal, fixings and labour "Oh really", says she at No.10 ... "where`s the value in that?", ... "My panels are worth more than what I paid for them you know, they are worth at least over £300.00 you know, that`s the value in those you know!".

"So you`re not going to pay the £70.00 to make our costs equal then?" .. "Nay lad", says she ... a sleepless night ensued (as they do tha` knows). The dawn broke to a new bright day ..and the sound of muttering from the back garden .. swearing at how tight the screws were, I carefully remove the "extra value" panels and placed them into the the garden of "her at No.10".

B & Q were open by the time I had arrived for my first load of the 180 "feather edge" strips (6ft high or course..nothing less will do now) ..she who lives next door .. stays next door now .. we do not speak .. we do not pass the time of day, (I just try to pass wind at every opportunity in her presence .. what better present can a man give to a neighbour?)

The lesson is .. never let a woman into "Feng Sheu" have a say in a joint garden boundary project .. get the money up front .. employ a third party to hold the finances .. did I say it looks wonderful now?

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Its a good job that you,ve got three other neighbours to chat to then Bill, at least the fence is the right height now.

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