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Hi all

 

Blame it on Sticky but these tales made me chuckle, hope they do the same for you!!!

 

LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS (1)

 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Harry..
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the
wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'
 
 
LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS (PART2)

 
Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

'Why'? asks the father.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.

'But that's right' says his father.

'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'

'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said' replied Harry.


LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH

Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'
Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR
Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom...
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'.
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go.'
Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'


LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same
sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful'.


LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar
after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own fuckin' business.

 

Cheers

 

Steve
 

Hello Steve, I loved it .. still chuckling now .. try this one that I was sent recently..

 

Children Writing About The Sea.......You can' t buy this stuff. BRILLIANT !


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters ' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don ' t have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richard
son. She ' s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.
(Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn ' t blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I ' m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can ' t think what to write. (Amy age
6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can '
t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won ' t do it again because water shot up her
fanny. (Julie age 7).

That was brilliant. A good laugh does you the world of good, doesn't it!!

Rich

Brilliant guys, still laughing, gonna copy 'em off and send to a few others who will appreciate. Particularly liked No.13 Bill, Shirl's still laughing.

 

Hi Guys.

Glad to see you are keeping up Stu, you mean you actually let Shirl see this, well I'm blowed!

Here's another, not so much a joke as non PC irony.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now I know I live in the best country. 

 

Have fun all.

Sticky

Hi Guys,

Like your jokes and cannot match them.  Can now also understand where the school logo comes from.

To make my monthly contribution, I have added a few photographs. The first one is at the local athletics where I am involved as an official. My wife takes all the photographs and I've sent one of the girls so you will all look at it and it will hopefull brighten up your day. The second two birds (parrots for Chris) are Sulphur Crested Cockatoo's (yes Bill, I heard the joke a thousand times - You like a cock or two). Mum on left and baby on right they are in my front garden Eucalypt Tree. The others are areas of my back garden still looking okay (me thinks) seeing that our average temp for Jan was just under 32C and under 2mm of rain for the month.  Just had some lovely rain today.  Will finish now so bibi from down under. Ken

Just a quickie, ( a comment I get to hear a lot these days ), I digress, No John, I don't allow the wife to view what I' m doin' on this 'ere machine, I give her occasional, ( very ), sound bites.

Re. border crossing, makes you wish you were an illegal immigrant sometimes don't it. I do find it a little amusing though that since our library got a load of Polish and Czech books in, and BT put signs in those languages on all the phone boxes in out area, ( local opinion was that they translated as "Out of Order" or "No Money Kept Here" ), that all the buggers have gone home 'cos it's too expensive to stay here.

I'd also like to say "the sun is out and the sky is blue", but it isn't, there's a fog on the Tyne, well Torridge, ( begins with "T" don't it ), I'd consider going back to bed but the cat's nicked my space, so that's that, I'll do the usual Sat morning thing and amble off and get the papers.

Hmm. must check the EuroLottery results, might be a multi millionaire, NOT!!!!!

 

Stu 

 

PS with all this talk of birds, I've changed my photo ID, you will notice however that I've been backed into a corner and have got my head down.

An American story.

 

On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. 

The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3.  When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" 

The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the old man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
 
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition .... because we could end up with a hanging participle...

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice,
The Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Hi Bill,

Heard the same joke but with Prince Charles and Camilla.  You know Charlie kills one of the queens corgies driving into Buck House, and the genie appears to grant him one wish.  Bring the corgi back to life is his first wish but this is too difficult for the genie.  Well can you make Camilla beautiful.  Genie quips,  I'll have another try with the corgi.  Ken  

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
 
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

Hi all.

Cracking jokes, still chuckling! Here's another.

 

Little Johnny's Teacher says - whoever can answer the following 
questions can have a half day from school.
Who said "...ask not what your country can do for you" - before Johnny 
can open his mouth, Nancy shouts "John F Kennedy"
Teacher says "very good, Nancy, you can go"
Teacher asks "who said - I have a dream" - before Johnny can open his 
mouth, Mary shouts - "Martin Luther King"
Teacher says very good Mary, you can go"
Johnny is raging & just as teacher turns her back Johnny says "I wish 
those bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut"
Teacher looks & says "who said that"
Johnny replies "Tiger Woods - see you tomorrow"
Have fun.

Sticky.

P-S Maybe it's me, I'm not very good with technology, but can't find your photos Ken, what have you done with them?

I'd like to see your parrot!

John you're not the only one, They won't let me see them either !!!!


Rich

Paddy goes to the doctors and tells him " I've an awful bad back from having sex doggy style" The doctor tells him " Try having sex the normal way then !" Paddy says " I've tried that but the bloody dog keeps licking my face."

 

 

Jim and Bob are walking down the street and they see a dog licking his balls. Jim says " ooh, I wish I could do that," Bob says " I reckon you'll have to make friends with him first."

 

Keep 'em coming, the lower the tone the better !!!

 

 

Rich

Hi

 

Cannot open Ken's photos, personally looking forward to seeing the girls!! C'mon Bill, we need your technical wizardy.

 

Ever in hope

 

Steve

Hi Steve /John, Ken has placed his photos in his personel storage ,so click on his photo or name anywhere and it will take you to his profile ,from there you can access his photos.

Hi Tony

 

Did as instructed, when I click on album (3) it says album empty!!!

 

cheers

 

Steve

Hi Guys.

 

 

 

Guess this says it all!!!!
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"Vot do you mean it's illegal?", asks the German driver.

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"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can't-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!", replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over - I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian official, "He can't-a come. He's-a busy talking to two guys in a Fiat Uno."